Tuesday, April 04, 2006

LanseyBrothers Spam Week! (Part 2/3)

Every day I receive zero to four spam emails. They have interesting subjects and they come from people with interesting names. I have been informed multiple times that I am pre-qualified to refinance my home (the one I have in spam world, I guess). Many a time I receive these lovely emails telling me about the great penny stocks of the stock market, with their projections of 100 times increases. I have been offered great deals on Rolex watches, and drugs with numbers in their names.

I have, through painstaking research, produced a theorem of how I suddenly got a many times increase of spam emails. I call it Aryeh's Theorem of University Spamming or, for short, Aryeh's Theory of Unaspammers. As you walk around your college freshman orientation you see all these interesting clubs and groups, so you give your email out to tons of people who you do not know. They then never email you, but you do have an interesting increase in spam emails.

The mathematical model for this is written below, X(i) is the initial amount of spam emails you get, k is the spam coefficient which defines the amount of time it take for your email address to spread in preexisting spam networks (it's defined based on the amount of email lists you are already on and what kind of lists), A is the Aryeh constant. It's derived based upon the amount of people you gave your email out to divided by the credibility constants of those people. Finally, X(f) is the final amount of spam you get. [X(i)*k+|4A*sin(X(f))|] this formula defines the amount of daily spam you will get for the first month of college, the amount of daily spam after this can be expressed by this formula |4*sin(X)|*k*A^(1/2). I hope you feel educated, and if you aren't or are confused please enjoy this police drawing of what this Unaspammer might look like.

Of course Spam Week wouldn't be complete without a hearty song: Spam! Spam! Wonderful Spam!!!


  1. Monty Python is even better with the subtitles. And now I know how to write the word "spam" in Korean or Chinese or Thai or Maybe Japanese. It doesn't matter. But you never know when such a talent can come in handy!

  2. For those of you who were wondering what completely nonsensical math looks like, see what Aryeh wrote in this post.

  3. Or see my post on PV = NRTln k!

    I think taking the factorial of a log counts as nonsensical math, as well as powering UFOs.

  4. That's (ln k)! not ln k!, in case you thought it did actually make some sense after all.

  5. Thank Gd for the Japanese subtitles. I have trouble with the accent.