Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Little House of Horrors

Beware of what plants you grow, because for all you know you might wake up in the middle of the night, and get eaten by your lovely innocent looking houseplant. It almost happened to me, here is my story.

Once upon a time in the happy kingdom of La La Land… Wait wrong story let me try again.

It was a dark and stormy night (ah here we are). Thunder pealed in the distance like the footsteps of giants. I walked unaware down the stairs into the clutches of the evil QUADIPLANTAPUS!!!

My mothers lovely dieffenbachia had shed its fake docile nature and unleashed the killer inside. Its long twisting trunks groping, its eyestalks looked for new victims, and me, AKA: Recipe for disaster. Unbeknownst to me, it had spotted me, and I was blissfully unaware of the danger lurking in my living room, stalking me. Then it pounced and I was trapped. It had me around my chest and waist, and when I tried to beat it into submission it got my hand into its gaping maw.

I was lucky that night because I happened to have a can of evil plant repellent in my utility belt, and a machine gun in my bedroom.After I killed it, I looked around my other plants and discovered three separate plans to assassinate me, and what appeared to be a folder full of US nuclear secrets. I have had them tried and executed so I am now safe again, but when plants eat your dog, cat, fish, or little brother don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. I just want to clarify this, when Aryeh say "I . . . had a can of evil plant repellent in my utility belt" what he means is:
    My brother Yoni passed by and wrestled the plant into submission with his bare hands, saving Aryeh from its deadly tentacles. After which Aryeh passed final judgment with his machine gun. . . . Oh, he had a camera on hand too.

  2. The cells of the dieffenbachia plant contain needle-shaped calcium oxalate crystals called raphides. If a leaf is chewed, these crystals cause a burning sensation in the mouth and throat; swelling can occur along with a temporary inability to speak, and from this effect the plants are commonly called dumb cane (other names include Galatea and Leopard Lily). Chewing could result in death if swelling of the throat blocks the airway. Slaves were sometimes punished by having dieffenbachia put into their mouths. Young children (at the age where they regularly put things into their mouths) are at risk of suffocation and death if they eat or chew on dieffenbachia leaves. Some cats eat houseplants and flowers; they are similarly at risk.

    Killer Plants??....if you kept them out of your mouth you wouldn't have these problems!!!!